To My Daughter Abby - Love Daddy

It seems surreal to think back six weeks ago when we were excitedly expecting to meet you at the hospital. I have been thinking about the highlights of expecting you. I remember when we first made it public that we were having another baby and how January seemed like a long way off. I remember hearing your heartbeat for the first time. It seems like yesterday when I was looking up at the monitor watching you wiggle and I was told you were a girl and I was going to have a daughter. I was so excited and Mommy and I  began suggesting names for you. Mommy wanted to name you Abby and I compromised with Abigail. The stories of King David are my favorite in the Bible and Abigail was the name of a kind and wise woman who stopped David from a terrible mistake. She later married David. I thought the name was perfect for you.

Friends gave us so many clothes and outfits that we didn't need to do much shopping for you. I enjoyed going to the outlets in Hagerstown with Mommy and picking out some clothes for you. We wanted to pick the outfit that you would wear when we brought you home from the hospital. As the time got closer to your due date we got your nursery ready and installed the car seat in the van.

The labor started early Wednesday morning on the 13th of January. Again I was so excited when Mommy woke me up and we got ready to go. I had no idea how your birth was going to unfold. I was so worried about you and Mommy while I waited. I saw them rush you out of the operating room with a crowd of people around you. I was nervous when I was finally able to see you. I hate to admit it but I was afraid to grow attached to you in case I was to lose you. It was silly looking back on it. I was already very attached to you.

My first thought when I looked at you was how beautiful and perfect you looked. It wasn't long before you were being flown to York and as much as I didn't want to leave your Mommy I couldn't wait to follow you and be with you. We had so much hope that you would be OK and would enjoy a life with us. I have no words to explain how I felt when we learned that you would not be with us long.

I am thankful for being able to hold you and tell you how much I loved you and how beautiful you were. I told you I would never forget you. The silence of some people I cross paths with hurts me at times. Just because you are gone doesn't mean I don't think about you every day. Why would pretending like you didn't exist make me feel better? Someone told me they were sorry they brought you up. I told them you were my daughter and like anyone else I enjoyed talking and sharing about my daughter.

I look forward to seeing you again in the next life after this one. I don't think I will ever understand  why you were not able to stay here with us. As heartbreaking as the experience was I don't ever wish you didn't happen. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, and other were so kind and helpful I feel overwhelmed trying to say thank you. Everyone who met you loved you Abby. We have a few of your things that are very precious to us. I love you Abby and I will never forget you.

Love, Daddy

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

Today is six weeks since you came into our lives. Tomorrow is a month since you left us. Some people ask me how I am or how we are doing. Other people don't say anything at all. I realize it's a difficult subject for most people to bring up. Maybe they think it will make us sad or even cry. Maybe they think that it will remind us that we lost you - when the truth is we will never forget and the silence hurts more than the mention of your name. It's OK though. I truly understand that bringing up the loss of someone's child is uncomfortable for many. Looking back at a time before you I would have been the same way.

I want to write to you even though you aren't here to read it. To just say how much I(and Daddy too) miss you. When I think about how much I miss you then the tears start welling up in my eyes and eventually spill down my cheeks. I love looking at pictures of you but it also makes me cry at the same time. Knowing that when some of them were taken we had so much hope. And when others were taken we were hurting so badly - especially during those last couple days of your life.

I washed all the clothes and blankets that you used. Except your one sleeper - the one you were wearing when you passed away. I was hoping I would still be able to smell you but your scent has already faded away. It will always be an outfit that I treasure forever along with the quilt that Grammy made you, the headband that you wore at the NICU, a photo card that the NICU made for us, your lovie and of course every single picture that we have of you!

I'll always remember how all the Doctors (and nurses) at the NICU were so caring and took great care of you. I've emailed the one Doctor a couple time and he wants us to stay in touch - he said "your family has touched me and you will always be remembered".  It really meant a lot. Another Doctor even called while you were still alive to see how we were doing and ask if I had any questions. Then yesterday we got a letter from him and it was nice to know even a month later we haven't been forgotten!

Your life was so short but you touched many hearts and so many people will never forget you. Most especially your family! We will never forget that dark head of hair, your sweet little face and those adorable little lips! You were a true beauty!  How we still wish we could have held you just a little longer and been able to watch you grow. We are comforted in knowing that you are safe with Jesus and that we will someday join you in heaven. One of our friends little boy's prayed one evening and asked for your Daddy and I to have another baby that's a girl and that she wouldn't be sick. Maybe Jesus will let you pick out a sweet little sister to send to us someday soon (though a little brother would be welcomed too). XOXO

I will always love you my beautiful little Abby Rose! And will forever carry you in my heart! <3

Love, Mommy

The Beginning

I've always had what I considered a pretty happy & carefree life. I looked around and saw other people going through sickness and sadness. In the back of my mind I always wondered when it would be my turn. Last January at age 31(and almost 32) for the first time I experienced what it was like to lose someone that I truly loved when my Grandfather died. Yes, people I knew(although very few) had passed away prior to my Grandfathers death. But this was the first death of someone that  I had made memories with and had a connection to. It was such a sad time in my life. I finally knew what it was like when someone you loved died.

Then excitement replaced the sadness of my Grandfathers death when I found out I was pregnant! How fitting that a year after his death we would invite a new little baby into out home. Little did I know the heartache we would be facing instead. Pregnancy went smoothly minus my "white coat syndrome" that would throw my blood pressure into a tizzy. I wouldn't argue that I didn't have some mild blood pressure problems but nothing major. I was observed several times at the hospital during my third trimester and my blood pressure and lab work there was always perfect. However we still agreed to be induced the evening before my due date.

Long story short(for now) I went into labor, and 12 hours later I was fully dilated and spent a hour and a half pushing trying to bring our daughter into the world and have a successful VBAC. The VBAC was not meant to be however because the babies heart rate wasn't stable and they wanted to get her out as soon as possible. After one last attempt at pushing I was whisked away into the operating room.  Later I found our that when our daughter was born she was neither breathing nor was her heart beating. After three days in the NICU on a cooling blanket(used to minimize brain damage) Abby's body temperature was slowly brought back up to normal. It was then that our greatest fear came true. There was very little of Abby's brain that wasn't damaged and our baby would not survive.

Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss - we probably all know someone that has experienced it. But we always hope and pray that it doesn't happen to us.  And then it did. On January 28, 2016 after 15 days of life our little Abby Rose passed away. It's hard to believe sometimes that it hasn't even been a month yet since we've lost her. In a way it still feels like it was all a dream when in fact is it very much reality. There will be many more posts in coming days about the loss of Abby and about our life in general. With Abby's death I feel like a new chapter in our lives began. Despite the heartache of losing her I pray that this new chapter is filled with happy days and HOPE!

My goal isn't for my first blog post to be a sad one. Because life isn't meant to be lived in a state of sadness, worry or fear. I want this blog to always be about HOPE. Because I feel that no matter what life brings us there is always faith, hope and love. And when we are faced with the heartaches of life we can remember that Jesus loves us and is there ready to comfort and strengthen us. And we can ALWAYS have peace and rest in knowing that he wants what is best for us.

I Corinthians 13:13  So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.