Another Year Older

Today is my birthday. At 9:40 pm I officially turned 33! So glad to be able to celebrate today with my favorite people, Mike, Levi, and my parents(not pictured). As far as birthdays go it was a good day. And there was yummy fruit pizza so I was happy!

I'm still a little sad that my little man is sick. You always know he's not feeling well when he falls asleep in the car - which is exactly what he did on our way to the way to the cemetery to visit Abby's grave(it was a special time for Mike and I). And I'm hoping he feels better soon!

I don't know what God has for store for me(and my family) over the course of the next year but I pray that I embrace it and accept whatever it is with grace and willing heart to follow His will. My wants and desires don't always fall into God's time table and I need to learn to accept that. A friend of ours ended a email that was an update about his cancer journey with this: God is good. In all things. All the time. And I do believe that with all my heart!

Throwback to my 1st birthday when life was easy!!

My love and I!! <3

May be a little weird but going to visit Abby's grave was one of the best parts of my day. She would have been two months old today and we hadn't been able to make it out since she was buried. The heart wreath from her graveside service was laying there so we removed the dead flowers and sunk it into the ground behind her grave. I knew that her Uncle Nathan(who was stillborn) was already laid to rest in the grave beside her but I started crying as I realized that she was surrounded by several other infants and young children. My heart broke for the other parents that have walked this journey before us. My heart breaks for the parents who will walk this journey after us. Those last few days of her life were the hardest days ever. Days I never wish to go back and repeat but I will be forever thankful for the 15 short days we able to hold Abby in our arms.

Weight Loss Journey Week Two

So I'd love to come and let you know about ALL the weight I lost this week. But truth be told I lost zero pounds. I'm not totally shocked. After all I was sick last week and dropped 3 pounds in a day. So I'm happy that this morning I was 175.2 which means I managed to keep all 3 pounds off. My goal is just to lose a pound a week. That's pretty doable in my book. Physically I'm starting to feel a lot better since the c-section. I am 8 1/2 weeks out and starting to do light exercises. I walked this week and did a little bit of beginner yoga. I'm thinking about doing some Pilates as well to help strengthen my core with gentle exercises.

Food wise I feel like I did pretty good this week(it's never perfect). Here are some pictures of what I've been eating - which apparently is a lot of boring looking brown and tan foods! I tend to eat a lot of the same foods over and over again when I'm trying to lose weight. I hate counting calories so I really have no idea how many I'm eating. If I'm not losing weight I just try to cut back a little bit or exercise more.

Yesterday started our March birthday parade. First my husband Mike's birthday and then mine is next and last but not least is Levi's. So that makes eating healthy a little more challenging because cake and ice cream is a must when celebrating birthdays!! Here's hoping for at least another week of maintaining or maybe even losing a pound!

Thought of the Week

My past weight loss posts:

Week One - A New Kind of Weight Loss Journey

Life With Levi

The week isn't quite over but here is some of the fun Levi had this week...

First up is "quite time". This doesn't happen every day. But sometimes Momma just needs a break. Levi is never a big fan. Every great once in awhile he falls asleep. Normally after he's done crying he ends up looking at books and playing which is ok with me. This allows me to get a few extra things don in peace(all Mom's everywhere are nodding their heads and saying Amen!).

At the ripe old age of almost three Levi had his first taste of lollipop. Or in this case tootsie pop. Only thing is he tried to chew on it the entire time and I was so afraid he was going to damage those beautiful teeth. So after awhile I had to confiscate it and gave him a regular piece of dark chocolate instead. Either way he was quite happy!

Levi is actually great with his colors so sorting the counting bears is easy for him. I think we need to use this to teach him to count a little better instead. But I still enjoy hearing him say the colors and watching the bears go into the correct cups. He's known all the letters of the alphabet since he was two(still working on the ABC's song) and he can count to 15 "maybe" 20 on a good day.

Tuesday was beautiful and Mike only had to work half a day so we ended up heading to the park where we feed the geese and ducks(not pictured) and played at the playground for awhile. I love this rare warm March days. Makes me ready for spring(minus allergies) and summer(minus the heat). And yes... I may have been enjoying a Starbucks caramel macchiato.

Today was another beautiful day so we ended up at the playground of a near by church. I can't believe how much bigger he is this year. He was climbing like a pro today!! Love this little guys smiling face. Plus today he was super good and happy so that always make him(and life) more enjoyable. This little guy pretty much has me wrapped around his finger... well, most of the time!

Hello Goodbye

It's been 8 weeks since Abby was born. And this coming Sunday she would have been two months old. I still can't stop posting about her quite often. I'm sure these posts will inevitably slow down at some point. But her loss still was not all that long ago and I enjoy sharing pictures and sharing songs(like the one below) that I run across and touch my heart. The original lyrics have the name Noah in them which I replaced with Abby. I suggest going to the bottom of the post and playing the video while you read the lyrics. <3

Hello Goodbye

Where's the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain life and its brevity
'Cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Abby, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Abby, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side

And so I'll hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you, before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place

A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just a while

Abby, hello, good-bye
I'll see you on the other side
Abby, sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side

Michael W. Smith

Sometimes I Can't

Everywhere you go they are there. It's something that can't be avoided after you lose a child. The pregnant woman, the woman with a newborn, the woman with a baby that looks to be about the age that your baby should be, the woman with the little girl dancing around happily(something my baby will never experience). And yes, while I do feel that I have gone through this journey with grace thus far sometimes I'm still human and here's the honest truth sometimes I can't...

Sometimes I can't be happy for that glowing pregnant Momma.

Sometimes I can't be happy when a family posts about the birth of their new baby.

Sometimes I can't be happy seeing pictures of a new family of four.

Sometimes I can't be happy seeing a Momma carrying a car seat with pink blankets surrounding it.

Sometimes I can't be happy seeing a Momma or Daddy snuggled up with their 2 month old baby who is their whole world.

Sometimes I can't like that photo on Facebook or say "Congratulations". Sometimes I even hide it from my news feed so I don't have to see it and be reminded of what we are missing.

Sometimes those baby pictures on Instagram just make my heart ache and ask "why me?".

Don't misunderstand. I am glad you are holding your baby because I would never wish things like infertility or the loss of a child on anyone. And please know that deep down I really am happy that you are happy! Don't stop sharing those pictures of the children you love! I probably have been and someday may again be the woman with the baby who is causing someone else's heart to hurt. It is in those "why me?" moments and those "Sometimes I can't" moments that I have to stop and regroup.  To thank God for the many blessings I have in my life. Health, a happy marriage, a crazy rambunctious toddler, a beautiful home, food on the table, family and friends and so much more. It's then that I ask God to help me to continue walking this journey with grace and that I'll let Him use me(us) in some way to help others because of this.

Recipe For "A Happy Marriage"

I was looking in my recipe box yesterday (something I never do) and it was a mess because Levi had spilled all the recipe cards out at some point and we just put them back quickly and randomly. As I'm looking though the cards I ran across this magazine clipping. I don't know who wrote it but I love it just the same! It says...

Recipe for "A Happy Marriage" 

Take two happy people and separate them
from their parents. Add the following
ingredients in generous proportions:  

Love 
Acceptance 
Communication 
Patience 
Kindness 
Gentleness 
Self-Control 
Commitment 
Faith 
Hope 
Truth

Mix together, then thoroughly sift in daily life. 
Strain out jealousy, arrogance, selfishness, 
provocation and accounting of wrongs. 
Bake in the trials and tribulations of life for 50 years, 
then celebrate when golden.  

Author Unknown

So sweet right?! It makes me think back to those first moments after you say "I do". When it feels like life couldn't be any more perfect or that you couldn't love someone anymore than you do at that very moment. This picture was taken right after we walked down the isle as husband and wife. It's one of my favorites. We didn't know what was going to happen a year from them moment or five years from this moment. More than anything we were probably relieved that the wedding ceremony was over. And we were very HAPPY!!

I think the only thing the recipe above was missing is God. We aren't the perfect couple and fail daily. These days we struggle to do devotions together, something that came easy prior to having Levi. And we've never fallen into the routine of praying with each other daily. But I truly feel that without God at the center of your marriage you may find yourself in some stormy seas. Even having God in your marriage  doesn't mean that things are always smooth sailing. You will still have your ups and downs, your good days and bad days.

People cautioned us several times after we lost Abby to make sure we didn't let the loss of our baby destroy our marriage. Levi's Doctor stopped one night while Abby was still living and prayed with us and specifically for our marriage and I'm sure others were as well! I'm sure this type of loss effects everyone differently. For us I feel like it made us cling to each other more than we ever have before and we were able to be strong for our other half when they were struggling to hold it together. I just had a flash back to a special comment that was posted on Mike's Facebook wall the day of Abby's memorial service. A friend of Mike's said the following:

"What can seem to be one of the hardest days you and Melissa will ever face, I wanted to maybe share some things I observed today. Though a hard day, it was a beautiful day. Beautiful in such a way that from an outsider I saw how much love Abby had in her short time, I saw how much love and support you have from both sides of your family, (which sometimes can not be taken lightly). But most of all in a time like this I saw something very important. I saw the love and support between you and Melissa. Often we forget the ones we need to lean on the most. Both of you were very strong today, continue to lean on one another. What you guys have is "beautiful" "

I pray that we always have something that others can look at and view as beautiful. Because I would never want our marriage to be anything other than that. God has brought us together as husband and wife in a marriage that I hope we always cherish and never take for granted! <3

A New Kind Of Weight Loss Journey

I feel like my weight loss journey after having Abby is different than the normal Mom wanting to loss the baby weight. Most Mom's think about working at losing the extra weight over the course of a year after settling in with a new baby and finding your new routine. Most Mom's get to take their babies home and don't have to bury their baby and think about starting the whole trying to conceive/pregnancy process over again quite as quickly as we'd like to.

Originally we thought with Abby that our family was complete. Little did we know that God's plan was different than ours and that our infant daughter would die after only 15 days of life(you can read more here).  As soon as we knew that Abby's life on this earth was short we said we wanted another baby. Not to replace Abby but we still want another child(maybe two more?) and we don't want huge age gaps between our kids(Levi will be 3 soon) so we'd like another pregnancy to happen as soon as possible(within reason after a c-section).

Hence the whole "A New Kind of Weight Loss Journey". Almost 6 years ago in 2010 when we got married I weighed around 140 pounds. By the time I got pregnant with Levi I weighed 150 and I gained A LOT of weight during that pregnancy. The last time I weighed myself I was 205 pounds - yikes!! It took me quite awhile to lose the weight with Levi. The below pictures shows me at 4 weeks pregnant and then still 23 pounds heavier at 9 months post partum. So basically at about the weight I am now.

When I got pregnant with Abby I was 158 pounds and this time I gained about 40 pounds and I've lost around half of that so far. Yesterday morning I weighed 178 pounds but then spent the whole day in bed or throwing up. After a diet of saltines and Ginger Ale/Gatorade for the day(and I didn't keep all of it down) I was 175.2 pounds this morning. Not exactly how I wanted to kick off a diet! That puts me at 17 pounds that I'd love to lose in the next few months. I'm not sure how feasible it is but I will be trying my hardest but trying to eat healthy and exercise more. And while I'd love to be 150 or even 140 pounds again hopefully before to long I'll happily be sharing that I'm pregnant again!

Check back next Wednesday to see how I did over the next week!